one of the interesting ironies of life is this:
the only thing constant is change, but nothing really ever changes. 
 
through all the changes that i've had to go through in my life, i noticed that the essence of my world remains the same.  faces and names change, locations and careers change, but really they are the same.  in essence, my world is the same as it was. 
 
case in point:
this was a journal entry from 1/24/00
"i gotta tell you, it's very hard to be good at something when there are so many other things that interest you.i just came back from snowboarding and it was soooo great. it's right up there with painting. the freedom, the adrenaline, the beauty of being surrounded by this ice covered world. just a beautiful experience man. i had such a blast. 
well, before i get thrown off course here, my point is this.
when there is an NBA game on, i want to watch it. if someone invites me to play basketball, i want to go. if the opportunity came around to snowboard, i grab my board, rack it on top of my isuzu amigo and go. if a couple of friends want to hang out and sing some songs, i bust out with the mic, mixer and karaoke tapes. if i'm painting and a friend comes over and gives me a good conversation, i drop the brushes and engage. if a good film or movie comes out, im there. if someone i'm attracted to wants to make love, well.... you know. 
i don't know. maybe i'm just frustrated cause i can't get this recent painting going. but it's just so hard to focus right now when there are all these diversions going on. maybe i'm just giving my self excuses so that i don't have to face the challenge of creating a beautiful painting. i always feel like i have to create an epic when i paint. so i don't know. procrastination.
maybe i'm just feeling guilty because i don't breathe drink and eat painting, like i'm supposed to. oh man, i'm rambling. what the heck am i talking about... 
if you're still reading this, i thank you for your interest and patience. i like to use this journal to sort my head out sometimes. oh, and here's another thing. 
i think i have a new interest: PAINT BALL! it's that sport when you pretend like Rambo and try to shoot everyone down with paintballs that shoot out of airguns. it's a safe way to get violent. so there you have it.  my little art problem. i'm a jack of all trades but master of none. all the self help books say "you always have a choice!" you choose to be a jack of all trades.but no one has ever chosen to fall in love have they? i have no choice but to love the beautiful experiences that the world brings me. i fall in love with these things. and i don't think i have a choice." 
 
----------------------- 
 
this year my love of my world remains an interesting challenge for my dream to become a great artist. 
paintball has been replaced by City of Heroes, and my romantic companion has changed into someone more beautiful and engaging, but it all strikes me as a powerful dejavu.  even with all the constant changes in my life everything is the same. 
 
the other irony is, i will have nothing to paint about if i didn't love life as i do now.  if i had more time to paint, i would have nothing to paint about. goodness gracious. 
 
heh...