oh dangit. wait a minute.

maybe i'm lost again.

i read somewhere that Monet painted the water lilies so many times, not because he loved them so much, but because he had this serious obsession to get it right.

i feel like that's where i'm at with this new abstract series (photos to come soon). i know there is something there... i just have to get it right. somehow.

there is so much insecurity that comes with creating abstract paintings.
it's almost like blind faith.

it's like trying to get drive back home
to my hometown
from the airport
without directions

after being away
for 10 years

i know where it is
i know the smell
i know the feel

i know it by heart

but i really couldn't
tell anyone how to get there
including, aparently, myself

hey!  i'm not lost anymore!

i think i may just have found my way again last night.

a funny thing sometimes happens when you get brave enough to explore...

sometimes you get lost...

so, ok...

i'm artistically lost.

the SFMoMA http://www.sfmoma.org/ show on PopArt was fabuloso!!  It was probably the best show from the MoMA that I have ever seen.

very nice indeed

one of the interesting ironies of life is this:
the only thing constant is change, but nothing really ever changes. 
 
through all the changes that i've had to go through in my life, i noticed that the essence of my world remains the same.  faces and names change, locations and careers change, but really they are the same.  in essence, my world is the same as it was. 
 
case in point:
this was a journal entry from 1/24/00
"i gotta tell you, it's very hard to be good at something when there are so many other things that interest you.i just came back from snowboarding and it was soooo great. it's right up there with painting. the freedom, the adrenaline, the beauty of being surrounded by this ice covered world. just a beautiful experience man. i had such a blast. 
well, before i get thrown off course here, my point is this.
when there is an NBA game on, i want to watch it. if someone invites me to play basketball, i want to go. if the opportunity came around to snowboard, i grab my board, rack it on top of my isuzu amigo and go. if a couple of friends want to hang out and sing some songs, i bust out with the mic, mixer and karaoke tapes. if i'm painting and a friend comes over and gives me a good conversation, i drop the brushes and engage. if a good film or movie comes out, im there. if someone i'm attracted to wants to make love, well.... you know. 
i don't know. maybe i'm just frustrated cause i can't get this recent painting going. but it's just so hard to focus right now when there are all these diversions going on. maybe i'm just giving my self excuses so that i don't have to face the challenge of creating a beautiful painting. i always feel like i have to create an epic when i paint. so i don't know. procrastination.
maybe i'm just feeling guilty because i don't breathe drink and eat painting, like i'm supposed to. oh man, i'm rambling. what the heck am i talking about... 
if you're still reading this, i thank you for your interest and patience. i like to use this journal to sort my head out sometimes. oh, and here's another thing. 
i think i have a new interest: PAINT BALL! it's that sport when you pretend like Rambo and try to shoot everyone down with paintballs that shoot out of airguns. it's a safe way to get violent. so there you have it.  my little art problem. i'm a jack of all trades but master of none. all the self help books say "you always have a choice!" you choose to be a jack of all trades.but no one has ever chosen to fall in love have they? i have no choice but to love the beautiful experiences that the world brings me. i fall in love with these things. and i don't think i have a choice." 
 
----------------------- 
 
this year my love of my world remains an interesting challenge for my dream to become a great artist. 
paintball has been replaced by City of Heroes, and my romantic companion has changed into someone more beautiful and engaging, but it all strikes me as a powerful dejavu.  even with all the constant changes in my life everything is the same. 
 
the other irony is, i will have nothing to paint about if i didn't love life as i do now.  if i had more time to paint, i would have nothing to paint about. goodness gracious. 
 
heh...

i want to change something
in this world

i want to excite people
towards appreciating
their surrounding

towards seeing
and finding simple joy
in the everyday things
that they normally
do not notice

i want the act of seeing
and looking
at beautiful works of visual creations
to become as highly and popularly regarded
as listening to beatiful works of sound
as in music

or to watching beautiful stories unfold
in a theater

i want the world
to appreciate a good painting
as much and as often
as they appreciate a good song
or a good film

i want the world to have fine art stars
as they have rock stars

not for the sake of celebrity
or superficiality
but for finally having the symptom
of world wide acceptance

i want the names of painters
to become household names

and i want paintings to finally make
their way into one of these home improvement shows

why don't they ever have good paintings
in those shows?

i want The Learning Channel
or Home and Garden Channel
to have a show about beautiful paintings
and interesting artists...

and yes...

oh yes....

i want to be the star
of that show.

yes i am a leo...

i want to roar...

and i want to force the media
to shine a big spotlight
into the world of art

for the rest of the world to see

....

there, i said it..